“Success” is obviously measured differently in every situation, especially for kids with SPD, NLD, ADHD, or whatever other label with our without a “D” you may have heard of. Some people are perfectionists and never really feel successful. Some people are constantly waiting for someone else to notice their successes because they don’t feel real unless someone else acknowledges them. I’m a little of both of these kinds of people. This makes it difficult to parent a child with the struggles that Cameron has. I take his ups and downs and my reactions to them very personally, wondering what I did to make that situation happen, what methods of behavior or diet I haven’t yet tried, what books I haven’t yet read that may help, how my tone escalated the situation, how I didn’t spend enough time with him today, how his routine changed and I should have done better at transitioning him… I make myself crazy with all the things I feel I should have, could have, or would have done differently if only (fill in the blank), making it very difficult to stop and enjoy successful moments.
My favorite parenting book, Raising Happiness by Christine Carter, Ph.D, is all about steps for happier parents and kids. The first chapter is about putting on your own oxygen mask first. That is essential for parents with kids who have any sort of challenges (and for those who don’t) because if you don’t take care of yourself, then you’re not able to cope well enough to take care of anyone else. This is why I plan one date each month for just my husband and me. This is why I get together with friends as often as I do, even though the over-scheduling I do to myself makes me overwhelmed. This is why I spend more time than I should on Pinterest. This is why I occasionally go to ridiculous dance clubs and dance satirically in the style of 1990’s boy bands. It’s all to have some semblance of who I really am when I’m not attempting conversations without arguments, making homework modifications at home that really should have been done at school, or watching my son start another argument in the neighborhood without realizing he’s the cause. Without taking care of me, I am less successful taking care of my children.
Today, though, I want to put myself first in a different way– by putting aside my own feelings of inadequacy and congratulate myself (and my husband) on the parenting successes we’ve experienced. One success we had this week was that Cameron was invited to a birthday party for a friend at school. A really nice friend! Score one for Team Cameron! Another success from this week is that he has brought home good behavior notes on his modified check-in sheet he does at school every day so far. Also, there were one or two times this week he admitted he was wrong about something, which is a HUGE success since it almost NEVER happens. Cameron had a really great sleepover with a family friend last weekend, who went on and on about how polite he was and how he was all “PSA” on the kids about why violent video games are bad.
However the biggest success of all, which literally brought my husband and I to tears, happened this weekend. We picked up a new puppy this past Sunday, so spent Saturday preparing for a puppy. We cleaned, puppy-proofed, and visited the pet store, where my husband said it was time to choose a name. You see, the naming of the puppy was a big deal in our house. A slew of names were thrown into the ring, including Frank, Fletch, Mr. Bojangles, Cricket, and Cameron’s very favorite, Klaus. Cameron really wanted a German name (because we were getting a boxer), and was obsessed with the name Klaus. He would not let it go. He told us a million times that “Klaus” was his favorite name. I really didn’t like the name “Klaus” at all and wasn’t a huge fan of most of the other names that made it into the final choices, but surrendered my favorite names and explained that Cameron needed to do the same with “Klaus.” There were tears. Several times. But he did let it go, and eventually we whittled the list down to “Felix” and “Clyde.” Cameron’s obsession moved from “Klaus” to the only other German name on the list:” Felix.” Due to the fact that I’ve not been able to make a solid decision ever (seriously… my first grade teacher even said that’s something I needed to work on), I couldn’t pick between the two names and the vote stood at Felix: 1; Clyde: 2. Naturally, “Clyde” was my daughter’s first choice, so I felt as if I was choosing a favorite child if I picked one name over the other. Eventually, though, in the middle of the pet store, I admitted that I preferred “Clyde,” which left the vote three to one, with “Felix” losing. Tears again. I looked at my husband and said, “See! This is why I can’t decide! I’m going to break one of their hearts!”
To which he responded, “Well, you put yourself in this position! If you would have just decided at the beginning, then the vote wouldn’t be left up to you!”
“You’re right!” I replied. So, we decided to flip a coin. Heads would be “Felix,” tails, “Clyde.” One toss. The coin would land on the floor. Rules needed to be established. Cameron LOVES rules. In slow motion, my husband threw the penny into the air and it landed with a loud “tink! tink! tink!” in the middle of the dog food aisle. And the name was… Felix! It wasn’t until that moment that I realized how much I didn’t want our dog to be named “Felix.” Three out of four family members were not satisfied with the name. We realized the coin-tossing was not democratic and was not the best way to make this decision, but that was that. The coin had spoken. Three defeated family members walked like Charlie Brown towards the tag engraving machine.
And then… a miracle. Cameron said, “Fine. We can name him Clyde.”
I really didn’t believe he said that, so I didn’t react until my husband said, “Did you hear that?! I am seriously almost crying right now!” and it really sunk in. Cameron COMPROMISED! Holy s*#t balls. This news was equivalent to the Berlin Wall coming down! Hugs ensued, followed by Cameron’s choice of new toy for the dog, and ice cream to celebrate the biggest success we’ve seen come from the Cameron Camp in a long time.
Were these good moments sprinkled in with not-so-good ones? Absolutely. But I am really trying to change my perspective to celebrate good moments instead of zooming in on the difficult ones. Like everything else I try, I’m sure it will pass, but I wouldn’t feel at all successful if I didn’t keep trying to make positive change by celebrating Cameron’s successes with him and without him, when I “put on my own oxygen mask” which is actually wine.
Epilogue: Our dog’s name is actually Mr. Clyde Bojangles according to me and no one else in the family. But it’s on the Internet now, so it’s true.